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I’m not sober anymore.
To know the reason for my sobriety would be a much longer article I’m just not ready to share, but to keep things high level — in support of someone I love, I found myself in rooms where I listened to people share the impact drugs and alcohol had on their lives and lives of their families. Needless to say, my empathetic makeup couldn’t handle not being able to control someone else’s choices so I chose to control what I could, my own.
Now, this December would’ve been 4 years since I had alcohol. I don’t use substances, never really have outside of trying weed, and I luckily never fell into abusing alcohol either. This chapter of sobriety was partially because “why not”, partially “ it’s not good for you”, and mostly “for him”, and if there’s one thing about me, it’s if I make a promise to do something, with enough props for it, I can usually stick with it, case and point — I’ve been vegan for 27 years and can’t even get myself to try an egg even though I’ve been a little curious about them lately (an article for another day).
Recently at a welcome dinner to kick off production on a new movie I was about to film, one of the studio execs ordered a couple bottles of wine for the table.
Here’s where I get a little vulnerable with you. I don’t always like that I’m vegan, and in this moment I didn’t really like that I was sober either. Quick segway, then we’ll come back, but I remember trying to avoid mentioning I was vegan whilst dating, I never wanted to make anyone feel uncomfortable or possibly judge me before getting to know me. In this case, I kind of felt similarly, so I said I’d try a sip and had them pour me a quarter of a serving — like that makes it more “sober-like”.
Let me hop in here real quick, by no means is this to persuade or influence anyone to drink if it doesn’t align with them, because that’s actually not the point I found that I made to myself.
The point I found I made with myself was that for 3.5 years I clung to controlling this piece of my lifestyle in hopes that it would save someone else’s , and guess what, it hasn’t. In a strange and indirect way, my having a few sips of wine actually helped me to accept that it’s ok that I can’t fix him. It’s ok to make choices for myself, to trust myself, and to let others do the same.
I also learned that I use control as a way to feel safe.
And on that note, I‘ll start simmering on that one….
Da
